Dog pee on the floor

This post isn't really about dog pee on the floor.

It's about making mistakes.

With many dogs in our house, it's inevitable that once in a while one of them pees on the floor. When that happens, there is no yelling or screaming, no punishment, no harsh judgment. We simply clean it up and continue loving on them.

If only this could happen with humans.

We all make mistakes.

We all fall short of someone elses expectations at times.

We might say something "wrong", or in a way that someone else misinterprets.

I try to live in the thought pattern of best intention. With friends and family I love, when their behavior or communication seems off or maybe even borderline offensive, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I at least start there.

I try to honor the humanness in another. 

So perhaps I can accept that my high expectations in another might not always be reached. And when they're not, I need to let go and not judge.

Perhaps I can come from love knowing that the other person loves me too.

Perhaps I can treat everyone else as I treat our dogs when they pee on the floor.

Sometimes we need to gives others a break.

And sometimes the one we need to give a break to is the one staring back at us in the mirror.

Thanks for reading.

Family

I have recently been writing some pretty personal blog posts and while in this frame of mind figure that now is a good time to write about family.

As a gay man who came out in the 80's, long before any dream of legal marriage, openness in serving in the military and even general, public acceptance, my thought around family became much broader than my blood relatives. I think this is pretty common with other gay folks who came out and had much more support from friends than family. Those same friends end up becoming family.

Homophobia and heterosexism are tough to deal with. Even tougher when negative feelings come from your own blood. Hence, a new family begins.

For the most part, Mike and I are fortunate with our families. There are a couple who we will just never be in relationship, but for the most part we are supported and loved by our blood families. The occasional homophobic comments or non-intended jabs become opportunities for conversation.

Recently one of our dearest friends had to say good bye to her dog, a senior who passed away. We, like many of you, know that pain. It's times like this where we are reminded of how important family is to us, and in this situation, reminded that our friend is indeed family to us.

No blood relative. Yet definitely family. The love we expressed to her and the support we tried to pass along all are examples of what family is and what family does in times of hardship.

Sometimes I hear about gatherings of my blood family and yearn to be part of that. We are always invited to such gatherings, yet as I look at photos and smile at family members that I love, I have to honestly admit that being there would not be good for me.

And that's not an easy thing to admit.

Mike and I do our best to bring  love, kindness, compassion and support to our relationships, whether that is a dear friend who we consider family or an actual blood family member. We are extremely fortunate (and grateful) to have so much love and kindness returned that we do not want to put ourselves in situations where we might have to deal with the opposite of that. Unfortunately in my family that is always a possibility.

Having been vegan for 17 ears I have also seen families have challenges when one of them becomes vegan. Judgement and jokes can make for difficult gatherings. To all of this I say that the same kindness and compassion can be expressed, and when negative actions continue, knowing when enough is enough. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable, no matter who it is coming from.

Thank you for reading!

A follow up to "Vegans dating non-vegans?"

With almost two years of writing a blog. we have been able to create conversation about many things and engage people who want to be a voice for the voiceless.

No blog post has created as much conversation as the blog post we posted on April 13th titled "Vegans dating non-vegans?". We also posted another blog post soon after the dating post as we gathered more information on the meningitis killing gay men in NYC and West Hollywood. These posts brought us the highest readership in 24 hours, 980! Holy cow!

In regards to the dating post, we received so much feedback and so many stories shared that I just could not believe it!

First, thanks to all of you who shared what you would do, or are doing.

I wanted to write that blog post because I hear this topic talked about a lot. My experience and feelings about it are different than many, as Mike was not vegan when we met. This April 24th, his birthday, will be his 9 year anniversary of being vegan.

What I loved about many of the comments, posts and emails we received were that our readers have a strong opinion of which way they would go, yet felt that this was very personal. Many also said it was about overall compassion.

I'd also like to say that I do not buy people any type of animal product. If I am treating, the meal is vegan. I definitely get that part of the thought process, and in dating I would not be any different. I also wouldn't have meat prepared in my home at any time when I was dating.

It's not easy. I wanted to write that post because of the several times I had read posts from loving, beautiful people who were being challenged in dating a non-vegan. My thought isn't to break up, but to see where there are more things in common. Just like I say at many protests, we all have more in common than not.

For Mike, I was the first vegan he ever sat across the table from. He fell in love with me because of my compassion for all living beings (including humans) and my passion for living. He thought I was cute too!

So many, many thanks to all of you who read the post and who entered the conversation with us. We are totally grateful and even more so are grateful that you even read our blog!

Vegans dating non-vegans?

I was on Twitter today and read a tweet from a young woman who is vegan and is having challenges in her relationship with her boyfriend who is not vegan.

In the 17 years of being vegan I have heard this a lot, and have even heard that people who are vegan should not date people who are not vegan.

That is super crazy for me.

In the gay male world of Colorado there would have been slim pickings for dating if I had stuck to only men who were vegan. Fortunately for me I never asked guys if they were vegan before a date. I would have never dated and fallen in love with Mike had I chosen to only date vegan men.

I totally get the allure of dating only vegan people. It shows they are loving, compassionate and at least on some levels have something in common with you. The again, people choose to go vegan for many reasons. Mine was to do as least harm as possible while experiencing this thing we call life. I want no part in animal cruelty.

For Mike and I, we met at our church. Our first date was a movie, dinner and then dancing. For dinner we went to PF Changs and he ordered his first on-purpose vegan meal. He didn't really know what a vegan was before we started dating and was curious.

For me and dating it was always trying to be in the moment. Of course if it ever got to the point where I would live with somebody and they were not vegan I would have to ask for rules around no former living beings in the house. I never had to do that.

My ex became veg before we moved in together. Mike became vegan long before we even talked about living together or even getting married.

A little over a month after we began dating Mike became vegetarian for my Valentine's Day gift. He told me while we were on a sweet date night. He had not really eaten meat in front of me since we began dating, maybe once, but I don't remember it if he did.

So it boils down to mutual respect. If you know that eating meat bothers me, and you are interested in dating me, perhaps you won't eat meat in front of me. It's really not that big of a deal. Especially if you totally dig me!

Mike continued being a vegetarian for a couple of months. Then, in April, he became vegan as a birthday gift to himself. Not for me, for him and the animals.

There are many people out there who might be an amazing date/time/life partner for you. They may not have all of the information around animal cruelty that you do. They may have never had a conversation with someone about veganism or what veganism even is.

I say that if you are single and meet someone you think right off is pretty nice, go for it.

Respect. Love. Compassion. And of course passion! It all doesn't come instantly, but with the right person it comes.

Thank you so much for reading this! I would totally love your feedback!

Friends? Re-evaluating relationships.

WARNING: After editing this and re-reading it several times, I have realized that this can feel like a pretty heavy post. After all, it's about relationships!

Mike and I were at church today and the sermon hit me really well, in a good way.

For a while I have been thinking about friendship, and what that means, as opposed to say, an acquaintance.

Back in January when I was laid off I got a nice dose of reality around who my true friends were. Not that true friends who didn't reach out to say they could help didn't exist. I know people are busy and a friend losing a job may not be a time when you want to reach out. The amazing thing, and something I will be forever grateful for, is that so many of my friends did reach out, did check in, did ask if they could help in any way.

All of the love and support I received simply blew me away.

And then there are those friends I am connected with on Facebook. Recently I have seen a couple of them at different events and they couldn't even swing by to say hi. Have you read those posts on Facebook or Twitter that talk about not investing in relationships that you put a lot into but the other person doesn't? I forget the exact saying, but do you get the idea.

That pegs me directly.

I do get that a friend on Facebook may or may not be an actual "friend". I am trying to go in that direction though, where all of my Facebook friends are actual friends. 

Putting more into a relationship than the other person does gets old. I'm 47, have done that most of my life, and as healthy people say, "that doesn't serve me well anymore".

Where am I going with this? Friendship is a two way street. If both parties (and I include myself in this) don't want to give to the relationship, then perhaps the friendship is not that important to both people. Which is not a bad thing. If the relationship is important, well then maybe it's time to reach out for coffee, dinner, a hike.

I just realized that a friend of mine might be reading this and thinking that they need to reach out. Please don't, unless you were going to connect anyway. This is not about any one person, it's about me feeling like I give a lot to something/someone that isn't interested in giving back, or in giving at all.

My friends and family have been uber supportive these past few months. The reality is that true friends and good family always are supportive and loving. They may not call all the time and you may not see them often, but they are there. And when you need them the most, you know it.

There are some people in my life who are important to me who may not know it. I need to change that. There are others who for some reason or another are just not close anymore. That's cool, as long as I haven't done anything to hurt them or to piss them off.

Whew! What a post. Thank you so much for reading. Can you relate to any of this? I would LOVE your feedback, at least so that I know I'm not totally crazy!

The end of a friendship

Sometimes while I am enjoying my amazing life filled with wonderful friends, loving family, my incredible husband, I easily forget that my life was not always this way. I remember what is was like before I came out, before I got interested in human rights and animal rights, and before I was so comfortable in my own skin.

Today I lovingly let go of someone I have called friend since 1989. We were both in early sobriety together, in the Navy, and at one point lived together. I have loved him for a long time. He was part of my life in those challenging days when I was just starting to be OK with me.

In this world of social media I think we both realized how different we are. Maybe we have always been this different but seeing each other's Facebook posts made it crystal clear.

So it was with great sadness when I realized I hadn't seen his posts in a while and went to his page, seeing that we were no longer "friends" on Facebook. We have talked a couple of times this year about my blog and our differences of opinion.

It's not like I see him often. It's been about two years. But the love has always been there, perhaps misguided.

This blog is all about building bridges. My main mission statement would be that we all have more in common than not. That our differences don't mean we need to attack each other or demonize each other.

I texted him to tell him that I love him and that I understand.

The world I live in, the world where I live in bliss and am ever so grateful for all I have, isn't necessarily reality. I get that not everyone will like me, or that not everyone will want to be in relationship with me. I get that there will even be those who dislike me and want to attack me. I get it. I don't like it.

Relationships are tough. The liberal thing, the gay thing, the vegan thing, the animal rights activist thing, the gay and married thing; there are so many parts of me that can lead to differences.

My friend is a beautiful human being, loving husband, incredible father.

Perhaps differences of opinion are stronger than what I once thought. And perhaps one day he'll call and simply say that he was tired of reading my crap and blog posts on FB!

Thanks for reading! Please email me with your thoughts if you don't feel comfortable posting them as a comment! vegandude@msn.com