My 14 faves of '14: #13

I am saving the top two for last of my list of faves for '14.

I realize this is very general, but I have to say that my friends and family totally make my list of faves for '14.

To my friends, you are my chosen family.

To all of you, I simply cannot imagine my life or this world without you.

You love me. You support me. You call me out on my craziness.

You say the sweetest, kindest things.

You are a huge part of why I love my life so much, and why my life is so amazing.

And you know who you are. You called me. You dropped by my office. You hung out with me and Mike. You dropped a note on Facebook. You made a donation to one of my causes. You spoke out for those with no voice. I might not have seen you in years, but I know you are there.

And I love you.

Thanks for reading.

Dog pee on the floor

This post isn't really about dog pee on the floor.

It's about making mistakes.

With many dogs in our house, it's inevitable that once in a while one of them pees on the floor. When that happens, there is no yelling or screaming, no punishment, no harsh judgment. We simply clean it up and continue loving on them.

If only this could happen with humans.

We all make mistakes.

We all fall short of someone elses expectations at times.

We might say something "wrong", or in a way that someone else misinterprets.

I try to live in the thought pattern of best intention. With friends and family I love, when their behavior or communication seems off or maybe even borderline offensive, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I at least start there.

I try to honor the humanness in another. 

So perhaps I can accept that my high expectations in another might not always be reached. And when they're not, I need to let go and not judge.

Perhaps I can come from love knowing that the other person loves me too.

Perhaps I can treat everyone else as I treat our dogs when they pee on the floor.

Sometimes we need to gives others a break.

And sometimes the one we need to give a break to is the one staring back at us in the mirror.

Thanks for reading.

Family

I have recently been writing some pretty personal blog posts and while in this frame of mind figure that now is a good time to write about family.

As a gay man who came out in the 80's, long before any dream of legal marriage, openness in serving in the military and even general, public acceptance, my thought around family became much broader than my blood relatives. I think this is pretty common with other gay folks who came out and had much more support from friends than family. Those same friends end up becoming family.

Homophobia and heterosexism are tough to deal with. Even tougher when negative feelings come from your own blood. Hence, a new family begins.

For the most part, Mike and I are fortunate with our families. There are a couple who we will just never be in relationship, but for the most part we are supported and loved by our blood families. The occasional homophobic comments or non-intended jabs become opportunities for conversation.

Recently one of our dearest friends had to say good bye to her dog, a senior who passed away. We, like many of you, know that pain. It's times like this where we are reminded of how important family is to us, and in this situation, reminded that our friend is indeed family to us.

No blood relative. Yet definitely family. The love we expressed to her and the support we tried to pass along all are examples of what family is and what family does in times of hardship.

Sometimes I hear about gatherings of my blood family and yearn to be part of that. We are always invited to such gatherings, yet as I look at photos and smile at family members that I love, I have to honestly admit that being there would not be good for me.

And that's not an easy thing to admit.

Mike and I do our best to bring  love, kindness, compassion and support to our relationships, whether that is a dear friend who we consider family or an actual blood family member. We are extremely fortunate (and grateful) to have so much love and kindness returned that we do not want to put ourselves in situations where we might have to deal with the opposite of that. Unfortunately in my family that is always a possibility.

Having been vegan for 17 ears I have also seen families have challenges when one of them becomes vegan. Judgement and jokes can make for difficult gatherings. To all of this I say that the same kindness and compassion can be expressed, and when negative actions continue, knowing when enough is enough. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable, no matter who it is coming from.

Thank you for reading!

Friends? Re-evaluating relationships.

WARNING: After editing this and re-reading it several times, I have realized that this can feel like a pretty heavy post. After all, it's about relationships!

Mike and I were at church today and the sermon hit me really well, in a good way.

For a while I have been thinking about friendship, and what that means, as opposed to say, an acquaintance.

Back in January when I was laid off I got a nice dose of reality around who my true friends were. Not that true friends who didn't reach out to say they could help didn't exist. I know people are busy and a friend losing a job may not be a time when you want to reach out. The amazing thing, and something I will be forever grateful for, is that so many of my friends did reach out, did check in, did ask if they could help in any way.

All of the love and support I received simply blew me away.

And then there are those friends I am connected with on Facebook. Recently I have seen a couple of them at different events and they couldn't even swing by to say hi. Have you read those posts on Facebook or Twitter that talk about not investing in relationships that you put a lot into but the other person doesn't? I forget the exact saying, but do you get the idea.

That pegs me directly.

I do get that a friend on Facebook may or may not be an actual "friend". I am trying to go in that direction though, where all of my Facebook friends are actual friends. 

Putting more into a relationship than the other person does gets old. I'm 47, have done that most of my life, and as healthy people say, "that doesn't serve me well anymore".

Where am I going with this? Friendship is a two way street. If both parties (and I include myself in this) don't want to give to the relationship, then perhaps the friendship is not that important to both people. Which is not a bad thing. If the relationship is important, well then maybe it's time to reach out for coffee, dinner, a hike.

I just realized that a friend of mine might be reading this and thinking that they need to reach out. Please don't, unless you were going to connect anyway. This is not about any one person, it's about me feeling like I give a lot to something/someone that isn't interested in giving back, or in giving at all.

My friends and family have been uber supportive these past few months. The reality is that true friends and good family always are supportive and loving. They may not call all the time and you may not see them often, but they are there. And when you need them the most, you know it.

There are some people in my life who are important to me who may not know it. I need to change that. There are others who for some reason or another are just not close anymore. That's cool, as long as I haven't done anything to hurt them or to piss them off.

Whew! What a post. Thank you so much for reading. Can you relate to any of this? I would LOVE your feedback, at least so that I know I'm not totally crazy!

Gratitude for friendships

It was a fun, sunshiny day in Denver. I was attending a fundraisers conference at DU (University of Denver) and as always I arrived early to scope out the place and meet the speakers who always arrive early to test the audio visual. Mission accomplished and I chose a place in the middle of the room and started checking out what was going on in the world of Twitter. The conference was based on using social media in fundraising so the Twitter check was appropriate.

I was the only attendee in the room, a room seated for 600+ folks.

Suddenly a woman says hello to me. I can't remember if she just joined me or if I invited her to join me. She commented on my bright pink laptop cover.

This is how I met my dear friend Sarah.

Friendships to me have always been hugely important. I don't mean folks I see once in a while or those I see at different activist events. Those folks are great. I am thinking of those friends who make up the human fabric of of your life. Those who touch your soul and add an immense amount of love to your life. I'm sure you can think of them right now.

Sarah became that for me. We are both in the non-profit world. We both were married to the loves of our lives. Lunch or coffee with Sarah always makes my day, sometimes my week.

Horrific tragedy struck Sarah this year. She will never be the same. I don't want to go into the tragedy but will say that as a friend and as someone who cares deeply for her all I could do was be there for her. I could love her, hold her, hug her, run errands for her, be loving to her family and other friends who were around. I couldn't take away the excruciating pain.

I still can't. I can still do everything else I just mentioned though.

I had to say "see you later" to Sarah last night. She had moved here from England and made the difficult decision to take her sons and move back. The other night we had an amazing talk and I left with my eyes filled with tears and feeling emotionally numb.

And filled with gratitude.

As a gay man, family was not always available to me. They are now, but the whole coming out process isn't easy for anyone. These days it's a bit easier but still causes havoc in family relationships. My friends become family. They know it. I talk about it a lot. Even with great relationships with most of my family these days, my friends are my rock. They are part of what makes my life so charmed.

So it's not easy saying goodbye to one. I know I'll see her again. We talked about me and Mike meeting her in Iceland!

Thank you my dear friends. I love you.

Thanks for reading. If you'd like to connect but don't want to leave a comment, my personal email is vegandude@msn.com

20 years without Felix

Every once in a while I think about the old days. Specifically my thoughts go to a dance bar in Norfolk and my head fills with songs from New Order, Madonna, Yaz, Depeche Mode, Erasure and Dead or Alive. I close my eyes and see a dance floor filled with men, and remember many faces of old friends.

As the 90's began, more and more of those men lost their battle with HIV/AIDS.

I still remember so many of them like it was just this past weekend that we danced, went to a meeting, had dinner or went to a drag show.

One of those who lost his battle was my dear friend Felix. He died on July 6, 1992. It's difficult to believe that he has been gone for 20 years.

Felix was one of the most loving, caring, fun and kind men I have ever met. When he passed away, the world changed. My world definitely changed. Gone was a the man who taught me so much, mainly about love and friendship. He taught me how to love everyone. And if you have ever gotten a hug from me, the hug that holds hard and lasts a bit longer than your average hug, well I got that from Felix. A lot of who I am today came from or was inspired by Felix.

There have been very few days in the last 20 years that I haven't thought of him. I carry a drawing of him at AIDS walks. I often think about how he would react to a person or situation. And I am always totally grateful for having known him.

In 1992, Felix was one of over 40,000 people in the US, the majority gay men, who died from complications caused by AIDS. It would be a couple of years yet until the drug cocktails came around and saved the lives of hundreds of thousands. Nevertheless, over 17,000 people in the US died from complications due to AIDS in 2010.

I remember Tidewater AIDS Crisis Taskforce in Norfolk, VA and the many times I was there to help, to drop off a wheelchair, to get a prescription, to see a friend perhaps for the last time. I remember seeing the list of those who had died in the last week or month, and the many hours spent in hospitals. (TACT is now Eastern Virginia AIDS Network http://evanva.org/ )

And, back to this anniversary, I remember Felix. My dear, loving friend whom I still miss so much 20 years later. I know many of you have experienced loss. And I know the loss is always felt. How fortunate was I to know Felix!

Thank you for reading my blog post. This one was one of my toughest as my eyes fill with tears. My email address is vegandude@msn.com if you would like to share thoughts that you don't want to put in the comments section.

The end of a friendship

Sometimes while I am enjoying my amazing life filled with wonderful friends, loving family, my incredible husband, I easily forget that my life was not always this way. I remember what is was like before I came out, before I got interested in human rights and animal rights, and before I was so comfortable in my own skin.

Today I lovingly let go of someone I have called friend since 1989. We were both in early sobriety together, in the Navy, and at one point lived together. I have loved him for a long time. He was part of my life in those challenging days when I was just starting to be OK with me.

In this world of social media I think we both realized how different we are. Maybe we have always been this different but seeing each other's Facebook posts made it crystal clear.

So it was with great sadness when I realized I hadn't seen his posts in a while and went to his page, seeing that we were no longer "friends" on Facebook. We have talked a couple of times this year about my blog and our differences of opinion.

It's not like I see him often. It's been about two years. But the love has always been there, perhaps misguided.

This blog is all about building bridges. My main mission statement would be that we all have more in common than not. That our differences don't mean we need to attack each other or demonize each other.

I texted him to tell him that I love him and that I understand.

The world I live in, the world where I live in bliss and am ever so grateful for all I have, isn't necessarily reality. I get that not everyone will like me, or that not everyone will want to be in relationship with me. I get that there will even be those who dislike me and want to attack me. I get it. I don't like it.

Relationships are tough. The liberal thing, the gay thing, the vegan thing, the animal rights activist thing, the gay and married thing; there are so many parts of me that can lead to differences.

My friend is a beautiful human being, loving husband, incredible father.

Perhaps differences of opinion are stronger than what I once thought. And perhaps one day he'll call and simply say that he was tired of reading my crap and blog posts on FB!

Thanks for reading! Please email me with your thoughts if you don't feel comfortable posting them as a comment! vegandude@msn.com

Building bridges

In 1993 a group of Baptist churches in southeast Virginia paid for a full-page add in the Virginian Pilot, the largest paper in southeast Virginia, to make it clear that they believed homosexuality was an abomination and that all practicing homosexuals were going to hell. They paid for this add because there had been some confusion as to whether all of their churches were on the same page regarding homosexuality based on an article the week prior in the same newspaper.

Gay, but not completely out of the closet, I joined several dozen protesters one Sunday morning in front of Norfolk Baptist Church to speak out against the ad and against spending so much money on an ad like that when the money could have been used to serve the less fortunate (or something like that). It was a bitter cold day and the church invited us in to get warm. The press interviewed me and that evening and all the next day I was all over the news with my comments.

Comments based on love in my heart for all people and a conversation I had just had with a family from the church. We chatted as they were leaving and the father said something that has stuck with me ever since: "We all have more in common than not".

How true, and part of our mission at The Gay Vegans and at Cruelty-Free World is to promote that idea. It is the opposite idea of trying to demonize someone with whom you disagree.

I came face to face with that idea with reaction to my recent blog about the rodeo.

Since starting this blog back in June I have received a lot of feedback. Many people disagree with what I write, whether it's animal rights activists saying I don't write strongly enough against non-vegans, people who have to clarify that they are not anti-gay because they believe I am going to hell (yet think I'm a great guy otherwise), or people who get mad for writing against something they have lived with their entire lives.

Take away their one or two opinions to which we disagree and then we can start the bigger list of things we can agree on, and in the even bigger picture, work together to make the world a better place for all living beings. And in the end, I believe most people support equality, condemn cruelty to animals, and are against discrimination in any form.

We all have more in common than not.

Thanks for reading.