Kindness, decency, family. Ireland said yes!

The referendum on civil marriage in Ireland is done.

Votes are being counted. The numbers coming out remind me of the percentage numbers while watching states in the U.S. vote against marriage equality, yet reversed.

In some areas over 70% voted yes to support equality.

I have followed this story for some time. I've watched both campaigns closely and yesterday morning I could barely contain myself as people went to vote.

They went to vote with their families, with their parents, their grandparents, their neighbors, their rugby clubs. They traveled from all over the world to, as one man put it, "mark a box". One photo I saw was of three generations of a family after they had all gone to the poll to vote yes.

One thing that I noticed while watching all of this was the huge amount of conversation around kindness. And decency. And family.

Meaning, a yes vote was the kind thing to do. The decent thing to do. After all, we are talking about rights for our family.

Young people rocked it. They campaigned and they voted. Imagine what our equality laws would look like if young people in the U.S. did the same.


As Ireland's Minister of Health, Leo Varadkar said, "I wanted to be an equal citizen in my own country and today I am".

I am ecstatic.

I guess I should also add here, in case this is the first of my blog posts you have read, that I am Irish. In the 1920's my grandfather left County Mayo for the U.S. He settled in Detroit, married my grandmother, became a U.S. citizen and was a dad to my dad and his six siblings.

Thanks for reading.  Éirinn go Brách!

A huge day in Ireland!

I made a quick video to share my thoughts on today's vote in Ireland that could bring marriage equality to the land of my ancestors.

Huge day for Ireland!

I have been emotional all week. I have many times thought that the Irish blood that runs through my veins is part of why I am an activist and one who fights to make the world a better and safer place for all living beings.

The Vote Yes campaign has been incredible. Lots of families talking about supporting a son or dad or nephew or neighbor. Lots of people talking about kindness. And love. And liberty.

And today is the day!

Thanks for reading!

My 14 faves of '14: #13

I am saving the top two for last of my list of faves for '14.

I realize this is very general, but I have to say that my friends and family totally make my list of faves for '14.

To my friends, you are my chosen family.

To all of you, I simply cannot imagine my life or this world without you.

You love me. You support me. You call me out on my craziness.

You say the sweetest, kindest things.

You are a huge part of why I love my life so much, and why my life is so amazing.

And you know who you are. You called me. You dropped by my office. You hung out with me and Mike. You dropped a note on Facebook. You made a donation to one of my causes. You spoke out for those with no voice. I might not have seen you in years, but I know you are there.

And I love you.

Thanks for reading.

No gifts, thank you.

I am super grateful to all of my family who, for years now, have donated to a local animal shelter or HIV/AIDS organization instead of getting us a Christmas gift. It's been at least ten years since my parents started doing this, and every time we are back in Michigan we get to see the results. The animal shelter in Bay City where my mom donates in our name even has a brick for me and Mike!

So many amazing organizations doing so much good work.

Every year around this time I like to write about this. It's pretty simple. We have the power to make an intense amount of change by asking our friends and family to donate to an organization we would support rather than get us a gift. I have altered that for some folks who insist on a gift as it's "what they want to do" to say that if you get us a gift, please make a donation of equal value.

Our friends and family have loved this. So have the small, local HIV/AIDS organizations and animal shelters.

Everybody gets a gift. Plus, those who love us get the chance to know us on a deeper level by being a part of supporting groups we support. And they get to learn why we support these groups.

Thanks for reading!

Dog pee on the floor

This post isn't really about dog pee on the floor.

It's about making mistakes.

With many dogs in our house, it's inevitable that once in a while one of them pees on the floor. When that happens, there is no yelling or screaming, no punishment, no harsh judgment. We simply clean it up and continue loving on them.

If only this could happen with humans.

We all make mistakes.

We all fall short of someone elses expectations at times.

We might say something "wrong", or in a way that someone else misinterprets.

I try to live in the thought pattern of best intention. With friends and family I love, when their behavior or communication seems off or maybe even borderline offensive, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I at least start there.

I try to honor the humanness in another. 

So perhaps I can accept that my high expectations in another might not always be reached. And when they're not, I need to let go and not judge.

Perhaps I can come from love knowing that the other person loves me too.

Perhaps I can treat everyone else as I treat our dogs when they pee on the floor.

Sometimes we need to gives others a break.

And sometimes the one we need to give a break to is the one staring back at us in the mirror.

Thanks for reading.

Family

I have recently been writing some pretty personal blog posts and while in this frame of mind figure that now is a good time to write about family.

As a gay man who came out in the 80's, long before any dream of legal marriage, openness in serving in the military and even general, public acceptance, my thought around family became much broader than my blood relatives. I think this is pretty common with other gay folks who came out and had much more support from friends than family. Those same friends end up becoming family.

Homophobia and heterosexism are tough to deal with. Even tougher when negative feelings come from your own blood. Hence, a new family begins.

For the most part, Mike and I are fortunate with our families. There are a couple who we will just never be in relationship, but for the most part we are supported and loved by our blood families. The occasional homophobic comments or non-intended jabs become opportunities for conversation.

Recently one of our dearest friends had to say good bye to her dog, a senior who passed away. We, like many of you, know that pain. It's times like this where we are reminded of how important family is to us, and in this situation, reminded that our friend is indeed family to us.

No blood relative. Yet definitely family. The love we expressed to her and the support we tried to pass along all are examples of what family is and what family does in times of hardship.

Sometimes I hear about gatherings of my blood family and yearn to be part of that. We are always invited to such gatherings, yet as I look at photos and smile at family members that I love, I have to honestly admit that being there would not be good for me.

And that's not an easy thing to admit.

Mike and I do our best to bring  love, kindness, compassion and support to our relationships, whether that is a dear friend who we consider family or an actual blood family member. We are extremely fortunate (and grateful) to have so much love and kindness returned that we do not want to put ourselves in situations where we might have to deal with the opposite of that. Unfortunately in my family that is always a possibility.

Having been vegan for 17 ears I have also seen families have challenges when one of them becomes vegan. Judgement and jokes can make for difficult gatherings. To all of this I say that the same kindness and compassion can be expressed, and when negative actions continue, knowing when enough is enough. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable, no matter who it is coming from.

Thank you for reading!

Friends? Re-evaluating relationships.

WARNING: After editing this and re-reading it several times, I have realized that this can feel like a pretty heavy post. After all, it's about relationships!

Mike and I were at church today and the sermon hit me really well, in a good way.

For a while I have been thinking about friendship, and what that means, as opposed to say, an acquaintance.

Back in January when I was laid off I got a nice dose of reality around who my true friends were. Not that true friends who didn't reach out to say they could help didn't exist. I know people are busy and a friend losing a job may not be a time when you want to reach out. The amazing thing, and something I will be forever grateful for, is that so many of my friends did reach out, did check in, did ask if they could help in any way.

All of the love and support I received simply blew me away.

And then there are those friends I am connected with on Facebook. Recently I have seen a couple of them at different events and they couldn't even swing by to say hi. Have you read those posts on Facebook or Twitter that talk about not investing in relationships that you put a lot into but the other person doesn't? I forget the exact saying, but do you get the idea.

That pegs me directly.

I do get that a friend on Facebook may or may not be an actual "friend". I am trying to go in that direction though, where all of my Facebook friends are actual friends. 

Putting more into a relationship than the other person does gets old. I'm 47, have done that most of my life, and as healthy people say, "that doesn't serve me well anymore".

Where am I going with this? Friendship is a two way street. If both parties (and I include myself in this) don't want to give to the relationship, then perhaps the friendship is not that important to both people. Which is not a bad thing. If the relationship is important, well then maybe it's time to reach out for coffee, dinner, a hike.

I just realized that a friend of mine might be reading this and thinking that they need to reach out. Please don't, unless you were going to connect anyway. This is not about any one person, it's about me feeling like I give a lot to something/someone that isn't interested in giving back, or in giving at all.

My friends and family have been uber supportive these past few months. The reality is that true friends and good family always are supportive and loving. They may not call all the time and you may not see them often, but they are there. And when you need them the most, you know it.

There are some people in my life who are important to me who may not know it. I need to change that. There are others who for some reason or another are just not close anymore. That's cool, as long as I haven't done anything to hurt them or to piss them off.

Whew! What a post. Thank you so much for reading. Can you relate to any of this? I would LOVE your feedback, at least so that I know I'm not totally crazy!

Living in exile

I used to think that only gay people had to deal with this based on my personal experiences. Of course that has never been true.

The Christmas before I came out I was with some friends who were also gay and in the Navy and they were talking about going to Washington DC for the holiday. I thought it odd that they wouldn't go home and their response was that this is what it was like to live in exile. Back then, as now, some families did not want their openly gay children at family gatherings or special occasions. Yes, it's hard to imagine and I assure you this still happens.

More common these days is that the gay family member will be "invited" to the big family gathering or special occasion but the partner or spouse is not welcome. Yes, in 2013, this conversation is being had at many kitchen tables and in many living rooms.

When my cousin Jennifer got married she made it very clear that me and my partner were invited. This was back in 1997 and it almost seems like a lifetime ago. Jennifer and I had grown up together, I love her very much and it didn't even come close to a thought that my partner would not be invited to her wedding. (Not to mention that gay people stereotypically give great wedding gifts!)

In the 23 years that I have been out there have been many times I did not want to attend a family gathering because of who might be there or what might be said in front of my partner and now husband. I have always understood that there will be people everywhere, in and out of family, that are not comfortable with me dating or being married to a man. Knowing this helps me in making decisions on whether or not I want my beloved to be treated poorly. This is more like self-imposed exile, and it is no fun.

 Mike and I have family members who decide not to visit us because they are afraid they won't be able to eat meat while visiting us. The practice in our home is that there is no violence allowed, including that of eating animals. It's really not that big of a deal as our neighbors are not vegan and there are a ton of places to eat around us that serve meat.

And then there is religion. Friends who are of different faiths in their parents eyes are not included in certain gatherings because one of them is not of the family faith.

And race. The list could go on and on. Whether we choose to not be a part of something or that choice is made for us, living in exile is no fun. What we can do about it is to show up at gatherings with love and openness and to accept nothing more than love and recognition for who we are or who our partner or spouse is. We can also make sure that through word and action we never allow friends or family to live in exile, whether it is self-imposed or not.

We want our friends and family to always feel love and support from us, to always know that they have a safe, loving place in our home.

To anyone reading this is is living in exile: You are not alone. We love you.

Thanks for reading.

Only two weeks of vacation?

Lately I have been having a conversation with others who work in the non-profit world about vacation time.

I know, this doesn't really relate to being gay or vegan. It does relate to working for human rights and working to making the world a better place for all human beings.

In this world of "family values" and looking at for the "middle"class, why do many people still only get two weeks of paid vacation per year?

Is it a poverty issue? Meaning do those in lower paying jobs or those who are considered the working poor get two weeks and others get more?

Many questions, few answers. I believe that people should have more vacation, it's just that simple. And it seems to me, not a professional human resources guy nor an economist, that our entire society would be much better off when people have a little more time with family and friends.

I am going to continue the conversation. I am going to start asking everyone how much paid time vacation they get.

Join me. Well, join me if you believe that people should get more than two weeks of paid vacation. I say people should start off with three weeks of vacation.

Your feedback would be wonderful.

Thanks for reading!

7 years of marriage

I can't believe it has already been seven years. Seven years since Mike and I tied the knot, since I married the love of my life, the man I consider my true and perfect gift from God. It was the best day of my life.

Marriage is not always easy. For me, it's so worth it. And I am totally grateful to be married to Mike.

Our wedding invitation read "We cordially invite you to a loving act of civil disobedience". Our marriage is not legal.  It was a simple ceremony in our church performed by our pastor and celebrated with 160 family and friends.

What Mike and I experienced the day of our wedding is something that has strengthened our marriage and us as individuals: a loving, supportive group of family and friends.

So many religions were represented by folks joining us, as well as atheists, agnostics, and a few pagans. It was a clear picture of the life Mike and I have, and the people in our lives that we love so much and are so grateful for.

Mike and I live in a world where many people believe that we are an abomination. That we are sinners. That we spit in the face of God and that our marriage is a sham. Believe me, we have heard it all.

We obviously disagree. And we have to give a HUGE "thank you" to everyone out there who has supported us along our journey. Your support and your love is priceless to us. Our marriage is incredible and it is made even better by all of those out there who love us as a couple.

While Mike and I celebrate voters in North Carolina are considering whether to ban marriage equality in their state constitution and politicians in Colorado are considering whether to allow gay people to have a legal civil union.

The opinions of those with political power and those who use Jesus to demonize gay people didn't mean anything to Mike and I as we got married. Our church, our pastor, our family, our friends, and a loving God was all that mattered as we promised love to each other for the rest of our lives.

When I looked around the reception watching so many people we love feast on vegan scrumptiousness (we served our favorite dishes), my heart was full and it has been ever since.

To the love of my life, thank you. To all of you who have supported us, thank you.

Thanks for reading!

Another vegan Easter

Spring arrived early in Colorado. We have already been wearing shorts, and I am LOVING it.

Easter always falls around the same time that I begin thinking of spring. This Easter it will be 70 degrees in Lakewood and we will have our annual Easter brunch. Because of the warm weather we'll be able to do it outside! Mike makes his famous vegan quiches, his famous cinnamon rolls, plus a few other vegan delights that already have me super excited. It will be a wonderful time with friends who are part of our family.

Easter to Mike and I is also a very spiritual, contemplative time. Most of you already know that we are a gay, vegan couple, and we are also a Christian couple. (It's OK if you gasp at this point. Regardless of the reason for the gasp, we get it, and you won't be the first. We get that some Christians give the whole of Christianity a bad name, and we know many more who give it an amazing name.) We begin the day at our church, the same church where we met and the same church where we were married. Yet for me, my favorite holy day around Easter is Holy Maundy, the Thursday before Easter. This day is the day the Last Supper was held, and in many spiritual and religious communities they hold ceremonies around the washing of the feet.

Yes, people wash others feet. For me it's an amazing opportunity to let go of judgments, to remember that I want to love all others, and that in the end we all have more in common than not. It reminds me that I want every action I take to be of love and service to all living beings, never to hurt or cause harm. The washing of the feet is to show love to those in your close circle but it is also to show humility and to be of service to those who might be your enemies. I don't have any enemies, but I do have those I have issues with.

And these days, the days of vegan marshmallows, vegan peeps, and vegan chocolate bunny rabbits, Easter is ever more fun. (Thanks Sweet & Sarah!)

So Happy Easter everyone. Mike and I are way grateful to all of you. Your love, comments, feedback, and support are an incredible force in our lives.

Beyond grateful!

After blogging about Thanksgiving Day and then about giving to charities, I thought it would be appropriate to write about how I am just filled with gratitude.

I write this blog with a heavy heart, as Mike and I prepare to make end of life decisions for our 18 year old companion dog Shadow.

And yet that's a huge part of what I am truly grateful for, my family.

I have no clue what I have ever done to deserve the life I have or the family I have.

Mike is truly the love of my life. Being married to him is such an amazing gift. And the family we have created, with Rock, Miguel, Suga, Shadow, and Monty, is just so big and wonderful and loving that I can't help to be grateful for it every day.

And beyond our home we have wonderful family as well as our incredible family of choice, many of whom will be sitting around the Thanksgiving dinner table with us this week.

I am grateful for all those who on a daily basis act to make the world a better place for all living beings. Even when it is not easy. Or popular. Or safe. These people are my heroes.

I am grateful to be sober. That's a whole other blog post!

I am grateful for my community, for all those who love and support me, who teach me, who walk this amazing path with me.

I am grateful to have an incredible job that I love.

There is so much more, but I imagine you get the idea.

Yet before I finish, I have to mention that I am beyond grateful for all of those folks who take time to read this blog and for those who write such beautiful things to me about the blog. Yesterday we got a note that said that we are such an inspiration. Wow.

Thanks for reading!