Sunday, May 10, 2015

The darkness subsides

I have many times told a story about when I was in the Navy. I spent many hours on ships standing on an outside part looking out to the vast ocean. I remember looking at the beauty and feeling peaceful.

Then I would start to think. And within several minutes my peace had been turned upside down. By me.

These days I tell another story, which has a lot to do with that. The story is that I can be doing awesome, feeling really good, loving life. Then let me sit and start thinking and boy does that change.

I am amazed sometimes at how quickly I can get absorbed by darkness. Sometimes it takes me by surprise. Most times the reality of my life is that all is really well. I actually have to think of negative things or think of fears or mistakes or people I am having issues with to feel in that dark place.

I know what to do and what not to do to stay out of the darkness.

Tell my husband. Call a friend. Pray and/or meditate. Stop my mental masturbation. Help someone. Get out of myself. Write a gratitude list.

And sometimes I just allow myself to be in that dark place. I try to be the most positive person I can. I try to let go, to live and let live, and to love. Doing this 100% of the time is just not possible for me.

The days of shaming myself for getting into a dark place are over. I actually honor the darkness, or I guess a better way to say what I am feeling about that is to say that I acknowledge it but do not live in it. Like a heard in a meeting once "yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I don't have to set up camp there"!

For me the darkness does indeed subside. My dark moments are much less than they were growing up and into my twenties. My family and inner circle have a lot to do with that. Being loved and being able to love certainly helps.

I wanted to share this blog post because I know others get into darkness at times. Social media is filled with happy people. People who are always fine. I wanted to remind folks that even though life is really awesome, sometimes the darkness comes.

And it's OK.

Thanks for reading.


  1. I'm the same. It's been a lifelong struggle.

  2. Same for me, growing up a battered, unwanted kid left me so full of scars. Went into counseling at 30, learned, as you, to accept the dark place but not dwell in it.
    The up-side of it all is that I became a compassionate loving person, and a vegetarian at 14, that my violent, disfunctional childhood made me the man I am today.

  3. Yes, I understand. Been there a lot lately